Tag Archive | FSOG

Twenty Things I Hate

Full disclosure before you read this: I’ve been sick for over a week with a killer cold and I’m hopped up on sinus medication while I write this. I make no guarantees it will make any sense. Read at your own risk.

Okay, now that the warnings of medicated stupidity are over…

I’m cranky as hell. I feel like crap. My head has so much pressure I can’t concentrate long enough to write anything for the book or proofread anything already written (hence the warning above). In the spirit of my crankiness, I was mulling over things I dislike. I’m trying to be upbeat by not using the word “hate” even though in my current mood… it may be the better choice.

So here’s a short list of twenty things I greatly dislike most days and hate today (is that better?)

1- Julia Roberts: I don’t know what it is about her that turns me off so much. I liked her in Notting Hill, but that’s because Hugh Grant was in it. Hugh Grant I like. On the off chance that she is reading this… Dear Julia- I didn’t mean to write Julia Roberts, I meant Doris Roberts.

2-Channing Tatum : Sorry, I know the ladies swoon for this guy, but I don’t see it. Yeah, he has a nice body, but the rest… pass. Unless he’s reading this, then I meant Carol Channing (I don’t; she’s a national treasure)

3- Plastic Wrap: It always rips at the wrong spot, sticks to itself and frustrates the hell out of me. I’m pretty certain it thinks it’s smarter than me… and it just may be.

4- Empty toilet paper rolls on the toilet paper holder: It’s a reminder of how lazy my family can be. They take out a new roll of toilet paper and place it on top of the empty roll, but don’t bother to remove the empty cardboard roll and replace it.

5- Buying gasoline: I live in one of two states in the country where you cannot pump your own gas. In my lifetime, I have never pumped my own gas (that should probably go on my tombstone: Here lies AC Netzel- Never Pumped Gas). The fact that I never need to leave my car, face the elements should mean getting gas is no big deal. Once the gas light comes on in my car, I’m filled with dread. There’s no reasonable explanations. All I do is hand the attendant my debit card and my participation is complete. But I hate it.

6- When make-up crud gathers in the corner of my eyes. Gross, just gross.

7- People who saunter through the grocery store: The perfect birthday gift for me would be an hour … alone in a grocery store. With no saunter-ers (I made that word up). No chatty neighbors. No aisle hogs. No sudden cart stoppers.

8- Ambrosia: I know it’s dessert, but it looks like a hot mess to me.

9- Aaron Neville’s Mole: The guy is super talented. But his mole: I don’t know much, but I know I don’t like it.

10- People who say “I know how you feel” when they can’t possibly know how I feel.

11- Ball Pits: When my daughter was a toddler, she had a panic attack in one of the tubes in a ball pit playground at a local fast food chain. I was eight months pregnant with baby #2 at the time. I had to climb in to help her out. I wasn’t one of those pretty “just pregnant from the front women”, I was pregnant EVERYWHERE. Once inside, I saw the horrors that no parent should see. Not only were there filthy balls festering with germs, but there was a corner where some toddler peed. Yes, a pee puddle inside. I had to get my daughter out, without disturbing the pee… then I had to slide my fat pregnant ass down a tube slide. Last time we went there.

12- All the Trump men’s hair: Dudes, you have the money. Fork over the ten bucks, go to a mall and ask the barber to give you a proper haircut. And the gel? Lose it. It’s not working for any of you. I don’t know if the Trump Men lost a bet and that’s why they wear that hair… but it has to stop. Donald, Donald Jr., Eric… Please, find a stylist.

13- People who use big words when simpler words will do. You’re not impressing anyone.

14- My hair on humid days. Hot mess.

15- People who think it’s acceptable to walk up to a pregnant woman and pat her stomach. No, no, no, no, no. That crosses so many personal space and respect lines. This is never okay.

16- Loud sippers: You know people who sip their coffee with that “nails on a chalkboard” loud sippy sound? Ugh. My father was a loud coffee sipper. Loved the man, hated that sound. Or the soda gulpers. Cut it out. Drink like a human. Unless you have a medical condition and you have no choice, don’t slurp. Especially in public.

17- One-Uppers: You know these people. You have a story and they always have a better story. They’re so insecure; they have to steal everyone else’s limelight. Asswipes.

18- Highway Drifters: PICK A DAMN LANE and stay with it.

19- The consistency of tofu: Food shouldn’t be spongy.

20- People who try to force me to take a picture. I don’t like having my photo taken. I never have, even when I was a kid. There are probably ten pictures of me in existence. If I say no… I mean no. Respect it and move on. You’re not going to needle me until I change my mind. It will make me hate you more.

~o0o~

I could go on and on…until the meds wear off anyway, but you get the picture. Feel free to share.

My 2015 Foolproof New Years Resolutions

It’s that time of year where we make conscious decisions to better ourselves in the coming year. Ah, the promise of a new year, a clean slate, a new beginning. Like everyone else, I make several pacts with myself to do all the things I promised I’d do on January 1st of the previous year.

I’ll eat healthy, lose weight, exercise, garden, and organize my life. I’ll be the person I knew I could be: a better person, a stronger person… a purposeful person.

After Christmas, I began the planning process. After all, no good project (which is what I consider myself) comes without a carefully thought out plan. I pinned the hell out of Pinterest. I have countless pins of “detox water” recipes (incidentally, 2015 is looking to be the year of the great cucumber/lime-infused pee).

I can make pizza with a cauliflower crust and bake cakes without shortening. I have playlists to walk, jog, and dance to. I’m holding onto cardboard toilet paper rolls to organize my phone chargers. I’m going to recycle and repurpose every pallet Costco is trashing and build a new house with the wood, complete with indoor and outdoor pallet furniture.

Plans for the garden? Let’s just say the head gardeners at New York Botanical Gardens and The White House Rose Garden will seek my advice once they witness my living works of art.

Like most of you, everything on my usual resolution list will be a complete and total failure. None of these things will happen. By January 3rd (I’m being generous here)… this will all be a laughable memory.

So I’ve come up with a solution. A new list… a fail-proof list. Instead of listing all the things I’ll do… why not make a list of all the things I won’t do. (I know, it’s brilliant in its simplicity). Come December 31st, 2015, I will proudly say that I saw all my 2015 Resolutions through.

So here it is. The list of 2015 Resolutions I will keep.

– I will not have dinner on the International Space Station.
– I will not marry Neil Patrick Harris.
– I will not win Jeopardy (unless it’s teen week, then I think I have a shot.)
– I will not share lip-gloss with Vladimir Putin.
– I will not have my prostate examined
– I will not tower over Shaquille O’Neal.
– I will not lay naked on a banquet table while sushi is served on top of me.
– I will not be The Sugar Plum Fairy in The Nutcracker ballet.
– I will not perform open heart surgery
– I will not be a sister wife.
– I will not win The Amazing Race or The Voice.
– I will not check my mailbox looking for a letter from Shaun Cassidy thanking me for the fan letter I sent to him when I was twelve. ( I’m Da-Do-Done-Done with you, Shaun!)
– I will not stare at the crotches of the Men’s Olympic swimmers anymore. (This is a lie. I will… and you know you will too.)
– I will not win an Olympic Gold in Curling.
– I will not not drink wine (that’s a trick resolution- double negatives rock!)
– I will not sing a duet with Tony Bennett (unless I’m drunk and you convince me you’re Tony Bennett.)
– I will not win Miss Nude 2015.
– I will not say “Yay! It’s snowing!”
– I will not date Sugar Bear… Momma June scares me.
– I will not star as a love interest in Sharknado 3.
– I will not take George Clooney back when he realizes the mistake he made marrying “that woman”.
So there ya go… Fool Proof Success.

There is just one thing I will do. Enjoy life and remember every day is a gift.

I wish you Happiness, Health and Peace in 2015.

 


 

Here’s some very cool news to end the year. My book, The Casual Rule (the link is to your right) was listed as “One of the Best of 2014” by Natalie at Love Between The Sheets.

Here’s what she said:
The Casual Rule by AC Netzel: This book was pure gold. Adorable, witty, heartwarming, sweet, sexy. I had such a fun time reading. Author AC Netzel was able to take a topic that we have all read before, ‘friends-with-benefits’, and turn it into something all her own. The characters felt genuine and were easily likable, the dialogue made me laugh and the romance was just perfect.

Link below:
http://romanceatrandom.com/best-of-the-year-2014/

A huge thank you to Natalie and everyone who has read my book. From the bloggers who took time out of their busy lives : Love Between the Sheets, Three Chicks and Their Book Blog, Nerd Girl, Live and Breathes Book Blog, Hooks & Books, Romance of Daydreams, and G & The Book Divas Blog ( I apologize if I forgot someone) to my fanfiction fans to someone who randomly took a chance on an unknown author.   It’s truly humbling to know that Julia, Ben, and Allie put a smile on your face. I love them and I’m thrilled you do too.


Fanfiction friends: I updated A Different Way on Dec 27th. Here’s the link in case you missed it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8737857/25/Fifty-Shades-A-Different-Way


One last thing:

Starting in January, it may be harder to see facebook posts on my Author page (the page you “LIKE”). If you want to be sure you get updates from me (and who wouldn’t … I’ve met me — I’m delightful) here’s how to do it.

*Subscribe to this blog
* Friend me on Facebook at AC Netzel ( for fanfiction snippets, original writings and whatever crosses my mind) : Here’s a shortcut: http://tinyurl.com/ou5urcq
*Find Me on Twitter at @ACNetzel
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*Find Me on Goodreads: http://tinyurl.com/m47qqg5
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*My Amazon Author Page : http://tinyurl.com/mchxsah

*Find me on TSU: https://www.tsu.co/AuthorACNetzel

‘LIKE’ my facebook Author Page. Here’s a shortcut: http://tinyurl.com/kkbnfcl

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Can You Sign This?

I was looking for something on a shelf in my closet when a giant box landed on my head and most of the contents spilled out.  My organizational skills suck. Sprawled out all over the floor were mementos from long (and I mean L-O-N-G) ago. There were cards we held on to — anniversary, Valentines Day, etc.—I even found an invitation to my wedding in the box.

There were ticket stubs from concerts. I’d like to go on record as saying I was a pretty rocking teenager… The Who (their first last tour), Kinks, Grateful Dead, Billy Joel, Police, Rolling Stones (another first last tour), Van Halen (David Lee Roth’s first go-around), Elton John (after John Lennon was killed. Yoko came out during ‘Empty Garden”- very moving), Yes (which I remember hating).

If someone was touring, I was there. It gave me bragging rights the next day in school.  Back then, it was important to give off an “I’m cool, I go to concerts” vibe at all times. I really wish I kept my collection of concert T-shirts—I’d make a small fortune on eBay today.

I struck gold when I came across two items I forgot existed. My autograph albums from Grammar School (5th grade) and Intermediate (8th grade). It was customary for graduating students to ask your friends and teachers to sign a page and wish you well in the future.

My fifth grade book had many of the customary “Best of Luck” and “Best Wishes” sentiments written by teachers. My friends, on the other hand, wrote more colorful but sweet sayings. Things like:

“If all the boys lived a cross the sea, what a good swimmer Annette would be.”

“When you’re old and have nothing to eat, take off your shoes and smell your feet.” (This makes absolutely no sense.)

You get the picture.

Teachers wished me well. Some saying what a “lovely girl” I was (I was… Truly, I was).  I was a bit of a clown when I was nine-years-old, as evidenced by the following words:

lio006humor 5th007

Below was written by my 5th grade teacher. I’m pretty certain I tortured the poor man with my smart-ass mouth and sparkling personality.

viggiano005_edited-1
Fast forward to eighth-grade. Well, well, well… we certainly lost our wholesome sweetness. It was all about sex… especially for the boys.

8th vagina0128th stuff0108th head009
And apparently I held onto my class clown crown. Fortunately, my teachers appreciated my humor (mostly) and gave it back.

8th tuzzo011

This was written by my math teacher. He was an awesome man. (Note: He knew how to spell “Annette”, back then I called myself many things.  This was my “French” version of my name.  People indulged  me because I was just so darn wonderful.

This little walk down Memory Lane proved to me that although we grow up and become responsible(ish) adults—there’s two things that never change:

Making people laugh will always be my lot in life.

And at any age… if a boy can bring sex into the conversion, he will.


Okay, I haven’t done this in a while, so I’m going for it. A shameless plug…

My book The Casual Rule is available on Amazon for kindle. If you don’t own a kindle, Amazon offers a free Kindle App.

It’s a great read ( if I don’t say so myself), especially this time of the year, as the story includes Christmas Eve & Day chapters.

Here’s the link (or you can click on the book icon to your right)

http://tinyurl.com/k7t7ugp

Here are a few Amazon reviews:

-If you are looking for a fun, witty, sweet story that will make you laugh then The Casual Rule is the book for you. I loved this story. It is funny and sexy with a bit of drama all in one.

-If you’re looking for a book with a little bit of smut, a little comedy and a ride on an emotional roller coaster, then pick up this book today. You will love Julia. She is incredible and I think she’s one of my new favorite female characters this year.
-If you’re looking for a light and fun romantic comedy with plenty of laughs you are sure to enjoy The Casual Rule! It would make the perfect beach read!

-FABULOUS! AWESOME! And every other superlative you can think. OH MY! Such tender love. Totally a page turner and I do mean that.  If I could give it more than 5*, I would. And I rarely ever say that about any book and I have read some terrific books. This book hooked me from the very beginning. No superfluous words. Just amazing writing. If you truly love heartrending romance, READ THIS BOOK. I read it and turned right around the next day and reread it. Still makes me tingle.

-Funny, sweet, sexy, and totally captivating with characters you could feel. There are hordes of hopeless romantics who will love the way this story unfolds.


 

Re: Fanfiction:

There was an update on the Fifty Shades- A Different Way story on Nov 14th. If you missed it, check it out.

 


One Last Thing:

Thank you to everyone for the kind words either through comments or private messages on my last blog entry. It’s very much appreciated.

I’ll leave you with a quote by Drew Barrymore:

“Life is very interesting… in the end, some of your greatest pains, become your greatest strengths.”

How do you grow a vegetable garden?

Beets me! < —  See what I did there.

I thought I’d bring you up to speed on this year’s vegetable garden. Like every backyard farmer, I start off with grand plans. My family will live off the land. The initial investment of vegetables, soil, etc. will be offset by the bounty my garden will produce.

You get the picture. Anyone who has tried backyard farming feels the exact same way… in the beginning.

Buckets filled with fresh-picked green beans. A bounty of tomatoes. So many tomatoes… I’d have to learn how to can them for all the sauce (by the way, it’s sauce… not gravy… I’m not budging on that topic) I’ll make and eventually freeze. Oh, and the zucchini. The plant that produces so much, you’ll only need two to provide enough to feed not only your family, but your entire neighborhood. Mmm, I can smell the zucchini bread. I can just taste the zucchini sautéed in garlic and oil over a plate of linguine. And the cucumbers… cool and refreshing. I had the perfect plan.

My facebook page is always littered with photos of my friend’s vegetable harvests. I was looking forward to doing the same… participate in a little farmer bragging.

So, I prepped the garden. And I worked my ass off, weeding, tilling… the whole she-bang. The sun was hot, the work was hard and tedious… but the end result… the glorious bounty my garden would produce would more than make up for it.

Most home farmers know there’s always one crop that dominates. One plant that produces more than you can possibly handle… but happily accept. Your pride and joy crop.

Here’s mine:

Weeds.

We were hit with a ton of rain over a five-day period in June. A ton. Although I missed some beach/writing time, I found my silver lining… no watering the garden and fighting the mosquitoes that always seem to latch on to the scent of my Sicilian blood.

When the rain finally stopped, I went outside to survey my farm. And this is what I found. Like someone dropped a giant bag of weed seed directly on my vegetable beds. I couldn’t determine what were bean plants and what were plain ol’ weeds. Ends up the bean seeds drowned… not one plant sprouted. Not a single one.

I tried to pull them, but I’m not exaggerating when I say it was a carpet of weeds. I have never seen anything grow so incredibly fast. I can’t get the grass on my front lawn to grow as lush as these weeds had. I couldn’t keep up. I’d pull one and three new weeds would spring up. It proved to be an impossible obstacle to overcome.

beans cukes

Here are my green bean and cucumbers. Awesome, aren’t they?

Okay, let’s move on to my zucchini plants. The one crop I was sure would be my pride and joy and the envy of the neighborhood.

zuc

Yep, there it is in all its glory. I have another one. This is a picture of the healthier plant.

Here’s my cucumber… No, your eyes are not deceiving you; there is an actual cucumber on that plant.

cuke

It’s smaller than a marshmallow. But it’s something. I’m not counting that as a total failure. We’ll say it’s failure-ish… with a tiny sliver of victory.

And lastly, my tomatoes. You know the giant harvest I planned on transforming into gallons of the best homemade sauce (once again… not gravy) ever made.

toma

You may have to squint but they are there, in the midst of the weed jungle. And I managed to produce a few tomatoes. A few the damn chipmunks got to them… bastard vegetable stealing critters… but I picked a good four tiny tomatoes. I guessing it’s a safe bet that I can return the case of canning jars I purchased.

So there you have it… my crop of weeds. Such a proud moment. < — Sarcastic Bitch Comment.

Some of you may remember my husband’s “Glamour Crop” from last year. The watermelon the size of a quarter. Well, he’s at it again… tackling yet another watermelon glamour crop this year.

Here’s a picture of it today:

watermelon

Yes, that is climbing up a very light weight screen from a screen house wall.

Yup, this is going to end well.

I’ll keep you up to date in whether that plant actually produces anything or tears down my screehouse in the coming weeks.


Now on to Business:

 

The Casual Rule:

If you haven’t downloaded a copy of my book The Casual Rule… what are you waiting for? If you don’t own a Kindle, you can download the free Kindle App from Amazon and start reading Kindle books on your smartphone, tablet, or computer – no Kindle device required.

Amazon US link: http://tinyurl.com/osl87fb

Amazon UK link: http://tinyurl.com/nx374jq

Amazon AU link: http://tinyurl.com/ntcasyb

Amazon CA link: http://tinyurl.com/nf3yt56

And many other countries…check out your Amazon links.

Here’s the three newest Blurbs:

Julia Ben 1

Julia Ben 3

Julia Ben 2

As many of you know, I’ve been writing book two to The Casual Rule. (Allie and Marcello… they do make me laugh). I’ll keep you updated on it as I go.


Fanfiction:

My intention was to have A Different Way chapter up weeks ago. What I forgot is how insane the summer can be. My and my husband’s birthdays were in July. Both BIG ONES. That meant family over the course of a few days. Then there’s college visits for my kid. That meant travel and time. BBQs, Birthday parties, Engagement parties… you get the picture, the summer turned into a long unscheduled time-sucker.

That said, I have about half of a new “A Different Way” chapter written… and if all goes according to plan, it should be up within the week. I had to enlist the help of a fanfiction reader for this chapter and she very kindly agreed.


 

End Notes:

If you have read my book and have the opportunity to post a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads… it would be very much appreciated. Reviews are what help Indie Authors get seen.

One more thing… feel free to say “Hi” to my mother in the comments on this blog. She claims she doesn’t read this blog.

Uh-huh… I believe that. < — Sarcastic Daughter Comment.

Hi Mom!

One Last thing and I promise I’m done babbling:

It’s been a very sad week with the passing of Robin Williams. Please seek help if you or someone you know is depressed.

Sometimes we need a reminder…

 

Coming Out of the Author Closet

Publishing a book has been an interesting experience for me. It wasn’t something I saw on my radar…it just happened. I kept my secret author life under wraps from people in my “real-life.”
This was something I did for me…something I didn’t have to share, explain or defend.

The first person I “came out” to was my husband. He would watch me furiously typing on my laptop while we were watching TV together. Whenever he’d ask who I was writing to, I’d answer “No one” and continue on. He’d tease me about my secret internet life, occasionally asking me if I had a virtual boyfriend. He was kidding…at least I hope he was kidding.

Finally, after about two months, I came clean and confessed. I think he figured it out at that point. He knew I was reading fanfiction. I’d bitch and moan about all the awful things my beloved characters were doing. He knew when I read a cheating story by the side-eye he’d get from me after I read it. And he certainly knew when I read a lemon…. You can fill in the blank there.

One day I get the bright idea to write a book. This was an interesting change from fanfiction writing. My characters weren’t based on someone else’s ideas. I wasn’t bound by the personalities already written. These were my characters and mine alone. And I grew to really like them… occasionally wishing they were real so I could hang-out with them. That’s the nice thing about writing your own characters; you can make them anyone you want.

In my imagination they felt real…if they did something funny, I laughed with them. If they felt pain, I felt it. If they did something stupid, I wanted to smack them up side the head. But they were locked inside my head…just for me.

It wasn’t that I was afraid that anyone I let in on my secret wouldn’t support me. My family is awesome. My friends are awesome. They may make fun of me for writing a story that had some snark and smut… but they will always have my back.

My fear was “the blur”. I knew if I told anyone who knows me in “real-life” about publishing my book …and they took the time to read it…most would not distinguish between my own reality and my character’s reality. My characters are fictional… relatable, cool and a lot of fun…but still … fictional. (Not gonna lie…I’m relatable, cool and fun too, but still… real. Every time I step on the scale, I’m reminded how very ‘real’ I am).

My husband encouraged me to share my “Big News”… After all, publishing a novel is a big friggin’ deal (there should be a special candy or wine for such occasions). I was proud of my book. Sure, I had my moments of insecurities …okay, many moments… but I believe I accomplished the end result I was hoping for… a story that makes you smile…mostly.

The first people I confessed to were my mother and sisters. And it pretty much went as expected.

Mom: I love it. It’s so funny. The sex is good too. That husband of yours must be a lucky man.
Me: Please don’t say anymore.

My mother now uses the term “hot-sex” when speaking of my book, frequently. It makes me feel so dirty. Don’t get me wrong, my mother is no “little old lady” but still…she’s my mom…and the term “hot-sex” uttered from my virginal mother of seven’s mouth…Umm…no thank you.

~o0o~

Let’s move on to my sister… here’s the email I got from her:

So…… how do I keep you & your husband out of my head while reading?

Yup, that’s about what I was expecting.

~o0o~

Next…some of my friend’s reactions. I love my friends. They can tease you and it’s okay. … because you know karma is a bitch and one day you’ll get them back.

These are my childhood friends. I’ve know these wonderful ladies since I was seven-years-old. They know too much about me… and I know too much about them. It’s nice having enough dirt on each other to secure lifetime friendships. Oh, the stories we could tell. I’ll save that for another book.

Here’s their reaction when I “Came out of the Author Closet”

Friend 1: What an awesome accomplishment!! I always knew you were a writer, way back in high school, you could always dazzle the teachers with your work, even if you didn’t even start the assignment until an hour before it was due! I have started your book and gotten to chapter 6, I am enjoying your smuttiness!!

Friend 2: Wow. Always knew you had it in you. I’m expecting to lol when I read this – I still remember those great stories from Rivlins class

(Rivlin was our 10th grade English teacher… I don’t think he appreciated my smart-aleck mouth, but he begrudgingly liked my writing. My friends in his other classes would beg him to read my work to their class. I liked to write funny then…I remember a character I wrote named Venetian, a blind prophet (we were reading Greek tragedies at the time)… I created him all because I wanted to write the line “Venetian’s blind.” I thought that line was hysterical.

I tended to write all of our assignments in the hallway on the way to class on the day it was due. And still pulled off A’s. Pissed off my friends. What can I say? I worked better under pressure. If I was still in high school, I’d probably do the same.)

Friend 3: started yesterday afternoon and just finished……..loved it!!!! Who knew you were such a dirty girl!!! LOLOLOL when’s the next one coming out???

Okay, that went better than expected. Although I see them in person in a week. After a few glasses of wine…I’m sure the conversations will be much raunchier.

~o0o~

Everyone naturally assumes that the sex I wrote about was my own. I cannot confirm or deny this assumption.

However, my husband has no issue if my readers choose to believe that the Ben character is based on him.

So, it’s been an interesting experience all around. First publishing a book. Waiting for feedback (which thankfully has been very positive). Then unveiling my secret author-life to a few of my nearest and dearest.

All in all, I’m glad I came-out to my selective few. I cringed and blushed while confessing to the smut portion of my writing… but didn’t hurt a bit.


 

A bit of business:

Here’s a few links to my book, The Casual Rule. If you haven’t already bought it… what are you waiting for? One-click it! It’s the perfect beach read… and if it’s your winter…it’s the perfect sit by the fireplace read. Covers all the bases.

If you have read it and feel so inclined to leave a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads, it would be greatly appreciated. (It helps us Indie writers get seen). I’ve taken my magical multicolored gel pens and blank notebooks to the summertime home-office (the beach) and started writing book 2.

Amazon US link: http://tinyurl.com/osl87fb
Amazon UK link: http://tinyurl.com/nx374jq
Amazon AU link: http://tinyurl.com/ntcasyb
Amazon CA link: http://tinyurl.com/nf3yt56
And many other countries…check out your Amazon links.

~o0o~

FSOG Fanfiction:

I updated Fifty Shades- A Different Way last week. Already working on the next chapter. I have to say, I have changed direction on the original intended storyline and I’m enjoying writing this new direction. It’s been a lot of fun (CG’s thought process has made me laugh out loud a few times while writing it) and I know many of you will never look at Jeopardy the same way.

~o0o~

 

How to Find Me:

1- Subscribe to this blog

2- Facebook: I have two accounts:

    A)Friend’ me at AC Netzel (I talk fanfiction snippets among other random thoughts. I’m probably most active here) https://www.facebook.com/netzel.fanfic

    B)Like’ my facebook Author page: Author- AC Netzel
http://tinyurl.com/p5ezdbs

3- Twitter: ACNetzel@ACNetzel

4-Follow’ my stories on the fanfiction site for updates on chapters. ( Netzel- Author) Late Night Thoughts is complete, but Fifty Shades – A Different Way is still updating…and Nighttime Thoughts (the tongue-on-cheek story) will eventually get one more addendum (because I refuse to call it a chapter)

 

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Hi Diddle-Dee-Dee…A Farmer’s Life for Me.

I had this idea in my head that I’d be an excellent backyard farmer. Live off the land, so to speak. Provide my family with nutritious, delicious, fresh off the vine vegetables and save a few bucks. Every afternoon, I could go to my garden and pick lettuce, tomatoes, and zucchini. I would spend early mornings, tending to the weeds, keeping a happy environment for my plants to thrive.

So last year, I went for it.

As with any new project… I began enthusiastically, rushing out to our local Home Depot … all the while whistling John Denver’s “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” to myself. Yes, this farmer was starting from scratch…no pre-grown vegetables in peat pots for me. I’m starting early and growing them from seed.

My husband and I purchased wood to make a few raised beds. Then we went to the garden center and picked up our own peat pots. Next we chose seeds. There’s so many. I remember as a kid, there were probably ten kinds of vegetables seeds you could purchase. Things have changed. There were rows of different varieties of carrots, beans, corn, tomatoes. Too much for this farmer. After a very scientific and thoughtful process, (Eeny-meeny-miny-moe) we chose our seeds.

All that was left was the dirt. Yes, I bought dirt. True, I had plenty of free dirt in my yard…if I didn’t mind living with the ants that reside in it. We looked at all the fancy dirt blends. Even something as simple as dirt is complicated… and pretty damn expensive. It’s dirt.

We ended up purchasing the cheapest dirt we could find and a bag of humus (not to be confused with hummus, the chickpea dip) and a bag of manure. That’s right, I paid a couple of hard earned bucks for a bag of shit.

This was exciting. My own garden. I had visions of a cornucopia on the dining room table every night, filled with the day’s harvest. This is good. I realize the up front money was more than I budgeted, but I will make it back tenfold because I can skip the produce aisle for months. Kind of an extreme couponing for farmhands. This is good. This is very good.

First things first. I have to mix my dirt, dip and shit together. I find a container we once used to mix concrete. That’ll have to do; it’s the biggest container I own. I open the bags and pour out the contents. Now I have to mix it. At first, I take a shovel and mix it around, but it’s making a major mess, spilling over. So I get down on my knees, throw on my gardening gloves and mix it the old fashioned way. By hand. So basically I have my hands in a mix of soil and crap. But this is the price you pay to be a hearty farmer….and that’s my new title.

Once the mix is complete, I get my tiny garden shovel and fill the peat pots with the newly enriched concoction I created. I open the seed packets. Hmm… the seeds are pretty small. I can probably fit a few in each pot. That’ll save me even more cashola. I’m quite the brilliant frugal farmer already. After about an hour of filling each tiny peat pot with various seeds, it occurs to me that they need sun. It’s too cold outside…so all around the kitchen and dining room they go. On folded tables, folding chairs. Anything I can find and place in front of a window.

While the seeds are germinating and doing their growing thing…we need to prepare the earth and build the raised beds. And when I say ‘we’… I mean my husband. This project was put off for various reasons. It’s too cold, it’s raining, the ground’s too hard…and the most popular….I’m tired. I’ll do it tomorrow. While I wait for tomorrow to arrive, I take special care of my seedlings. Always making sure they are properly watered and they have plenty of sunshine. I take them out on my deck in early May to acclimate them to wind and fresh air. Yes, acclimate plants. Wiki said so…and they never lie. So every day I’d move my seedlings in and out of the house. Like a nervous mother snooping on their kid’s Pre-K class from an outside window, I’d watch from the sliding glass door and nervously jump every time the wind blew. My plant babies!

It’s two months later and tomorrow is finally here. At this point, my seeds have grown to big proud plants. Too big for the peat pots I purchased (<—say that three time fast) and overcrowded from my frugal planting. I’m in crisis mode to save my plants. After extensive research, I’ve determined that they have no more nutrients to squeeze out of my magical shit and dirt mix. These must get in the ground. Besides, at this point, it’s late June. They should have been planted weeks ago.

After my poor husband worked his ass off, making his farmer wife happy with four new raised beds, and a nifty trellis for string beans… I’m ready to plant. This is when I realize I have more plants than room to plant them. Now what am I supposed to do? I cared for my plant babies; I can’t just throw them in the trash. I plant what I can fit. Zucchini, mixed spring lettuces, cucumber, carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, string beans…and our glamour crop…watermelon.

I find buckets, old pots anything I can to plant the orphan plants. My pretty farm is looking a little hodgepodge at this point, like a thrift store of this and that with a plant stuck in anything. I set the other plants free to fend for themselves, never actually throwing them out.

The potatoes were pretty cool to grow. I saw on you tube, you can grow them in garbage bags. With the chipmunk and mole issues we have, that was the perfect solution. (You tube this…it really is pretty darn neat).

For the first two weeks, I’d go out every morning and tend to the garden. Pulling weeds, water the plants, inspecting each plant for disease. I even read up on hand pollinating if the bees didn’t show up. I was ready.

By the third week, I realized it’s pretty fucking hot in the sun in July. I’ll weed at night. This proved to be a mistake, as the mosquitoes enjoyed devouring me… a lot. A fucking lot. Apparently I’m quite tasty…and they told all their mosquito friends.

So I try early in the morning. It seems that New Jersey has a constant stream of mosquito armies on duty. No matter what time I went out, I was getting eaten alive. Well, fuck that. I’ll let the weeds grow and just water the plants. This also was a colossal fail, as my cucumbers and zucchini plants got some white powdery mildew on them and died on me. All of them. Dead. Muerto. Bereft of Life. Powdery white plant cadavers soaking up the sunshine.

My tomatoes at this point have hardly grown. I have no idea why. I did every thing right. They got sun. Okay they didn’t get weeded, but they got water. That’s something. Tomatoes are spiteful… that’s the only explanation.

Because of my mosquito/weeding protest, I can’t pick any of my lettuce. I can’t tell what’s lettuce leaves and what’s a weed. I have a fear of dying. I’m not about to ingest something that may send me to the Emergency Room. So that’s another crop fail.

I still had my green beans…which are doing surprisingly well. And growing freakishly long. Probably a mutation…but I don’t care, it’s all I have left.

So in the end…I got a handful of tomatoes. I mean exactly a handful…they fit in my hand. There goes my dreams of homemade tomato sauce.

So here’s what we ended up with after all that work and money spent.

My potatoes grown in a large trash bag

potato

 

Mutant Green beans

beans

 

My only carrot

carrot

Watermelon…our glamour crop

watermelon 1

Glamour Crop- Actual size.

watermelon

Nice huh? And I’m going to do it all over again this year.
~End business~

The book is done and due to be published soon.

I have an Author Page on facebook. Please ‘LIKE’ it (and tell your friends). I need constant reassurance…and you can keep up with my book there.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/AC-Netzel/643706702344488?ref=hl

Fanfiction stuff:

I have the outline to the next chapter to the Different Way story completed (hint: Wanda).  Working on the chapter now.

And after many requests…and the fact that I love to mess with Mr. Grey…there will be a part 3 to Nighttime Thoughts.

 

That’s all for today. Enjoy!

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Snippet Time

It’s been a busy month. I know I have a lot of blog catching up to do.  So no one thinks I fell off the face of the Earth…here’s a small snippet from my book.  Due out Early May. I have a new Author Page on Facebook too.  Please “Like” it.   I suffer from Middle Child Syndrome and need constant reassurance.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/AC-Netzel/643706702344488

(Snippet below)

Meet Julia:

I suppose BOB and I could make a happy life as a couple. He never makes any demands, other than the occasional battery change, which admittedly has been often since I dumped that cheating asshole. And I know BOB would never betray my heart. He seems quite taken with me; he’s hard for me all the time after all, and he lives rent free in my nightstand drawer. It’s a win-win for both of us.

Mrs. Julia Dildofucker. Yup, my future’s looking bright.

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