Full disclosure before you read this: I’ve been sick for over a week with a killer cold and I’m hopped up on sinus medication while I write this. I make no guarantees it will make any sense. Read at your own risk.
Okay, now that the warnings of medicated stupidity are over…
I’m cranky as hell. I feel like crap. My head has so much pressure I can’t concentrate long enough to write anything for the book or proofread anything already written (hence the warning above). In the spirit of my crankiness, I was mulling over things I dislike. I’m trying to be upbeat by not using the word “hate” even though in my current mood… it may be the better choice.
So here’s a short list of twenty things I greatly dislike most days and hate today (is that better?)
1- Julia Roberts: I don’t know what it is about her that turns me off so much. I liked her in Notting Hill, but that’s because Hugh Grant was in it. Hugh Grant I like. On the off chance that she is reading this… Dear Julia- I didn’t mean to write Julia Roberts, I meant Doris Roberts.
2-Channing Tatum : Sorry, I know the ladies swoon for this guy, but I don’t see it. Yeah, he has a nice body, but the rest… pass. Unless he’s reading this, then I meant Carol Channing (I don’t; she’s a national treasure)
3- Plastic Wrap: It always rips at the wrong spot, sticks to itself and frustrates the hell out of me. I’m pretty certain it thinks it’s smarter than me… and it just may be.
4- Empty toilet paper rolls on the toilet paper holder: It’s a reminder of how lazy my family can be. They take out a new roll of toilet paper and place it on top of the empty roll, but don’t bother to remove the empty cardboard roll and replace it.
5- Buying gasoline: I live in one of two states in the country where you cannot pump your own gas. In my lifetime, I have never pumped my own gas (that should probably go on my tombstone: Here lies AC Netzel- Never Pumped Gas). The fact that I never need to leave my car, face the elements should mean getting gas is no big deal. Once the gas light comes on in my car, I’m filled with dread. There’s no reasonable explanations. All I do is hand the attendant my debit card and my participation is complete. But I hate it.
6- When make-up crud gathers in the corner of my eyes. Gross, just gross.
7- People who saunter through the grocery store: The perfect birthday gift for me would be an hour … alone in a grocery store. With no saunter-ers (I made that word up). No chatty neighbors. No aisle hogs. No sudden cart stoppers.
8- Ambrosia: I know it’s dessert, but it looks like a hot mess to me.
9- Aaron Neville’s Mole: The guy is super talented. But his mole: I don’t know much, but I know I don’t like it.
10- People who say “I know how you feel” when they can’t possibly know how I feel.
11- Ball Pits: When my daughter was a toddler, she had a panic attack in one of the tubes in a ball pit playground at a local fast food chain. I was eight months pregnant with baby #2 at the time. I had to climb in to help her out. I wasn’t one of those pretty “just pregnant from the front women”, I was pregnant EVERYWHERE. Once inside, I saw the horrors that no parent should see. Not only were there filthy balls festering with germs, but there was a corner where some toddler peed. Yes, a pee puddle inside. I had to get my daughter out, without disturbing the pee… then I had to slide my fat pregnant ass down a tube slide. Last time we went there.
12- All the Trump men’s hair: Dudes, you have the money. Fork over the ten bucks, go to a mall and ask the barber to give you a proper haircut. And the gel? Lose it. It’s not working for any of you. I don’t know if the Trump Men lost a bet and that’s why they wear that hair… but it has to stop. Donald, Donald Jr., Eric… Please, find a stylist.
13- People who use big words when simpler words will do. You’re not impressing anyone.
14- My hair on humid days. Hot mess.
15- People who think it’s acceptable to walk up to a pregnant woman and pat her stomach. No, no, no, no, no. That crosses so many personal space and respect lines. This is never okay.
16- Loud sippers: You know people who sip their coffee with that “nails on a chalkboard” loud sippy sound? Ugh. My father was a loud coffee sipper. Loved the man, hated that sound. Or the soda gulpers. Cut it out. Drink like a human. Unless you have a medical condition and you have no choice, don’t slurp. Especially in public.
17- One-Uppers: You know these people. You have a story and they always have a better story. They’re so insecure; they have to steal everyone else’s limelight. Asswipes.
18- Highway Drifters: PICK A DAMN LANE and stay with it.
19- The consistency of tofu: Food shouldn’t be spongy.
20- People who try to force me to take a picture. I don’t like having my photo taken. I never have, even when I was a kid. There are probably ten pictures of me in existence. If I say no… I mean no. Respect it and move on. You’re not going to needle me until I change my mind. It will make me hate you more.
I could go on and on…until the meds wear off anyway, but you get the picture. Feel free to share.
I totally agree with them except number 2, I love watching him move that body, and number 8 is one of my favorites. Number 12 – I was just talking about that last night while watching The Apprentice. I don’t think they look in a mirror their hair is sooo bad.
I have to say your list had my laughing out loud. I hope you feel better soon.
I don’t understand the hair… there’s so much wrong with it and they wear it like a family crest.
I like your list. I agree with number 3…cling wrap a stupid invention. Cannot stand it! I also hate people who have to dress up to go grocery shopping. I mean it’s just food….why heels,why dress like your going to a movie premier or something. I live in PA and have to pump my own gas, but I drove to NJ for work and they pump it for me. Which I like when it’s too cold,snowing. Hope you feel better.
I forgot tofu….food is not spongy.
another thing I hate spell check….it always corrects to the wrong word and makes you the idiot. UGH!
Spell check is evil. After I go on a writing frenzy, I spend an hour trying to figure out the word I meant to type, instead of the word spell check corrected it to.
Aw girl … I know what you mean.
Regarding #19 – what are your thoughts on sponge cake?
Surprisingly, sponge cake isn’t all that spongy.
Oh wait, I meant to say “I know how you feel.” Dammit.
You know, I can add to this list at will.
21- Smark Alecks, wisenheimers, wiseass’
#5 Buying gasoline – I buy all my gas at Costco. I HATE it when the person in front of me can’t get the Costco card or credit card to work causing the line to grow by ten vehicles a minute. Don’t keep jamming it into the machine cursing each time – turn the stupid card around, right side up and it will work!!
#16 Loud sippers – Lawdy, that just drives me into the land of Miss Manners in two seconds. Also, people who chew with their mouths full of food OR talk with their mouth full of food. How about the people who try to get the very last drop of moisture from their coke glass with their straw – slurp.
That last sip through a straw is all saliva. Disgusting.